Dear T.O. Boys, Over the course of two conversations you’ve called me a bitch, a robot and a heartless sadist. Now you’ve decided you love me. I hope you can see exactly how you’re setting yourself up for disappointment in the long term.
Dear T.O. Boys, When you open a conversational exchange with “Bite Me” you should know that it will not be taken seriously, and that your results will be far from profitable. If you “need” to find connection so badly, maybe you should try a more civilized approach. Issuing commands never goes over well.
Dear T.O. Boys, I will miss your vivid, if misguided, imaginations and your tendency to jump to illogical conclusions. I’m polite to you, because that’s who I am. It doesn’t mean I love you. I barely know you - and at this rate, given your tendency to make ridiculous assumptions, I don’t really see the point in doing so.
Dear T.O. Boys, If you think the fact that I made lunch reservations is bourgeois, then perhaps we shouldn’t be eating together. There is a process in place that ensures I don’t have to jockey for my favourite table - why wouldn’t I use it to get what I want? Anything else would be utterly ridiculous. That said, if you read my preference for efficient practice as indicative of my politics, you may want to rethink your methodology.
Dear T.O. Boys, If you open your foray into sustained communication with “Hi Breathtaking”, and end your first message with “P.S. You’d look deadly with fangs.” it’s highly likely I won’t respond because I’m really not interested in interacting with someone who spends their life living out Twilight fan fiction. The same rules apply to all the Christian Gray wannabes.
Dear T.O. Boys, Nothing makes me feel better about myself than when you tell me you don’t believe I can execute complicated, intricately detailed projects because I happen to have a broad set of divergent interests. It’s great reason for me to discount your invitation to move in with you and use those skills to enrich your life once I’ve demonstrated them.
Dear T.O. Boys, I’m pretty clear about what I want, and how I want it. Before you propose modifications (i.e. adding a “two handed butt squeeze” to the perfect hug) I suggest you try the original as described. I’m not going to consider a modification to perfection unless I know you can deliver perfection. If you can, frankly, you can modify it as you please.
Dear T.O. Boys, You stood me up twice, made a number of empty promises, periodically initiated conversations where you mined my personal experiences for fantasy fodder, and now expect me to believe you want to be friends so you can continue this pattern? While your definition of friendship is utterly fascinating, I hope you’ll understand that I’ve no interest in being a resource you use and shelve when convenient. Thanks for the offer, friend.
Dear T.O. Boys, Either use real words and full sentences, or go back to attempting to seduce 18 year olds, but make a decision. We’ll all be better for it, or at the very least, I will.
Dear T.O. Boys, If you already have all the answers, and are completely certain you’re correct, why are you asking me the questions? I’m sure there’s an app you can program to stroke your ego at specified times, you really don’t require me to do that.
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